Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i’m sure it’s fine
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?