Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles