Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.