“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I hate my earbuds.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.