normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Yep.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Uh oh…
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?