roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Wake me when AI does housework
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked