No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic