*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?