Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I finally found a reason to live again.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Doctors texting each other.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
What the hell happened here.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.