I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.