PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
You Might Also Like
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.