We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?