Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse