“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Love is always patient and kind.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: