You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
You Might Also Like
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again