Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
love it when they get my name right
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.