Why do meteors always land in craters?
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.