You Might Also Like
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card