[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up