Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.