Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
You Might Also Like
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
scrabbled eggs
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’