You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My life in a nutshell
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
You had me at “define legal”.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.