– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
You Might Also Like
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.