Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
You Might Also Like
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
lol
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.