Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Um … Hot Wings please