hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The options really are this bad
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.