“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
rise and shine we got egg