Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.