I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
new year update: losing everything but weight
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
These are too funny not to post 😂
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows