[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Are you a cat person or a person person?