Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
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[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
For the ones in the back.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
This headline is a thing of beauty
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*