Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?