I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.