wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
You Might Also Like
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”