Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
You Might Also Like
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers