Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Only short people can save us
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this