If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
You Might Also Like
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
…u ok Nintendo?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!