How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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Stop sending me this shit.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!