Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
OKAY DAD
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Unexpected Judgment
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.