Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?