[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
no regrets
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.