How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
You Might Also Like
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.