My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Mood.. 😂
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Education is vital
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”