The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
bad
worse
worst
worchester
the red hot silly peppers
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.