Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?