Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
ibopfufen
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!