Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
You Might Also Like
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells