[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen