HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.