I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.